Ares On Howard Stern

Timing: This would be right after "For Those of You Just Joining Us" and the fallout from that episode.

Setting: Howard Stern's radio studio, his show on live on radio and being taped for broadcast on E! TV.

Howard Stern: I'm very excited about our next guest. You know, there's been rumors for years, especially when war breaks out that the Greek God of War was still around. And I, the man who is taking over the entertainment industry, am happy to tell you, the rumors are true. Here, live, in his very first interview since coming out, is Ares, God of War.

Camera pans to the door, Ares, Greek God of War, tall, dark, and wearing black leather swaggers into the studio. Robin's mouth drops open, even Howard looks to be a little intimidated.

Howard: Robin, stop drooling long enough to say hello to our guest.

Robin: Hello.

Camera pans in on Ares who's grinning and Robin who can't seem to stop staring.

Ares sits down opposite Howard and puts on headphones: Howard, thank you for inviting me on your show.

Howard: Yeah, sure, no problem. So what do I call you? Your godness? People normally pay homage to me.

Ares, still grinning: Ares is fine.

Howard: So tell me, you're what, 5000 years old?

Ares: Give or take a century.

Howard: So what have you been doing all these years?

Ares: Well I spent quite a bit of time locked up in a tomb. After I got my strength back, I've spent some time fermenting revolutions around the world.

Howard: I heard you just spent some time in La-La Land. What's up with that?

Ares: Yes, I did. Although I must say, the producers and writers out there are not very bright.

Howard nods and laughs: I know. That's why I am taking over the entire entertainment industry. So let's see, how much did you have to do with what happened in Kosovo?

Ares looks proud: That was one of my finer accomplishments, don't you think? Such delicious carnage.

Howard shakes his head and changes the subject: Now back to this homage thing. How did the ancient Greeks pay tribute to you?

Ares with an evil grin: There were many ways they worshipped me. My favorites however usually involved virgins and some kind of sacrifice.

Howard: Virgin sacrifices huh? I could do that, if my wife would let me. How many women have you had sex with?

Ares looks confused: Excuse me?

Howard: Hey, you're a good-looking guy. You must have nailed tons of women. I know I would if my wife would let me. In 5000 years you have to have banged thousands of chicks. Hundreds of thousands. So how many? Hey, did you have sex with Aphrodite? I read in a book once you did. Do you want to do Robin?

Ares gives him the "look." Ares: I'd rather discuss my brother.

Howard: Your brother? What brother? Who cares about your brother? Let's talk about size.

Ares: Size? Size of what?

Robin: Don't you ever listen to the show?

Ares: Afraid not. No time. There's lots of places where my help is needed.

Howard: You don't listen to me? I could kick your ass for that.

Robin: Don't go there Howard.

Ares laughs evilly: I don't think so Howard. I am the king of combat. (Ares shadowboxes the air)

Howard: I could kick your ass. I can kick anyone's ass.

Robin: I don't think you want to make him mad.

Ares looks at Howard with confusion.

Howard: Let's get back to size. How big are you?

Ares: I'm six foot seven.

Howard laughs: Not your height. Your penis. Mine is six inches. Robin, let's get the tape measure.

Ares looks appalled: No, I don't think so. Let's talk about Hercules.

Howard: Oh yeah, Kevin Sorbo. He's been here. He says he's twelve inches.

Now Ares gets angry. He grabs the tape measure from Robin. Robin drools as Ares pulls his pants down, totally oblivious to the TV camera and whips "it" out. Robin faints and even Howard gets an amazed look on his face. Ares: 15 inches!